The joy of advancing in the infinite
… and leaving competition behind.
My instinct told me as a young lady that competition was useless and possibly harmful. I was entering already as a teenager the competitive ballet universe. Auditions, competitions and exams and I was not immune to developing a competitive spirit which led me, on the one side to succeed; to continue gritting my teeth into my goals with super-human discipline and stubbornness. On the other side, it led me to destructive, isolating behaviour because you see I wasn't "perfect" for the professional dance world. Not my physical build or ideals such as flexibility or my personality type, lacking charisma and guts (to the outside eye).
I was so shy as a little girl that my mother couldn't even leave me at a nursery alone, not to mention that I refused to go to any children's birthday parties. Later in school I was never able to stick out my elbows, to shout out what I wanted, needed or thought. As a dance student, I had to adopt certain attitudes towards the voices around me saying I wouldn't, succeed and these voices were not those of my parents or my beloved ballet teacher (who lovingly believe in me to the current day). They were some of my educators, the gaze of a mother who thought her daughter was superior, advertisements, glossy articles, chatter and gossip amongst other dance students in the changing rooms and of course my inner self-talking voice.
Zooming forwards to today…
Today I am the artistic director of a creative, educational, dance and performance platform, hub, community (whatever you describe it as), called SOZO. I created it myself at the age of 34 after deciding to leave steady employment in a state opera house as a contemporary dancer.
It wasn´t that I was tired of performing but I felt something awaken in me that urged to be passed on. I had learnt during the work, especially with three choreographers over 15 years that all the continual justifying my right to become a dancer, the continual playing with my diet to reform my body to one that others would "respect" and consider worthy to be a dancer and to be competed against - was most probably done, to the extent I did it, all in vain.
I cannot regret anything that I did in those times of surviving and proving to myself and to others that I could become the dancer that others said I would not be, BUT remembering the words of choreographers continually giving me main roles in their creations, such as "you are my muse" or "I am so moved and inspired by your presence and your performance", slightly pains me that I then listened to the changing room talk behind my back of other dancers speaking out their thoughts negatively against the fact that I had yet again been given the main role that could have been danced so much better by "so and so".
The what's in and out, changes continually in every industry. Sometimes at an alarming rate and sometimes so you hardly notice it happening. Who decides? Who makes the rules? For every trend, there is also an "anti-trend". Now at this present time in 2020, it doesn't make sense to compete at all. Wasting precious time looking left or right and checking to make sure you are always winning. Winning what? I decided that if I was to look left or right then it should be to learn something, to edify myself and bring advancement in what I do to help others.
Joy doesn't arise through comparison. Joy arises through advancing in what we know we were born to do.
I think I was born and given the gifts by God to move and inspire people, just as those choreographers told me I was ALREADY doing serving them as a dancer in their creations. I don't need to win every battle and prove myself as the best director and SOZO as the best dance community and educator.
I need to concentrate on the INFINITE, ever, ongoing advancement of my calling on this planet.
Looking to my right and left, allowing my spirit to adhere to an issue that is so finite and shallow as comparing myself or my mission to others, leads to stagnating and most probably missing many key moments to advance.
Looking back, there was a pattern to my competitiveness. My family, loved ones and friends were really believing in me and encouraging me and yet a stubborn perfectionist inside insisted on only comparing with the best (whom I defined). I had set my goal high which is a credible thing. The problem was that those individuals or ideals who I named to be the best, who I made "my competition", were only being seen from my very own naive perspective based on my experience in life so far.
I have learnt to be stubborn on vision but flexible on details.
Another issue, and yes, I have worked through a few self-help books in my life BUT staying with the focus just on me often led back to comparison or another new dogma in my life. Why are there so many "self-help" books and hardly any "help-others" literature? For me, advancement has always come with the decision to help and contribute to making the lives of others better. As a mentor for young artists, I would wish for each one to be free from a type of competition that keeps one away from the true power of one's calling. YOU are your competition; YOUR VISION is your competition.
"We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves with some who commend themselves. When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise." (2. Cor. 10:12)